The Idea Of You Repost. Take a Break from my IBD content!
I read this a novel by Robinne Lee called The Idea of You and the ending gutted me. I can’t stop thinking about this book.
Its subtlety brings to light the difficult choices we must make as women and as mothers. At first, I thought I was upset about how tragically sad it was that this true love relationship would never last due mostly to the main characters age difference and their respective lifestyles and jobs. The woman, the girlfriend, she had to be the one to make the decision to end it, because although they were happy for a time, her daughter was suffering, and she knew how it would end up years later with her much younger boyfriend who happened to be in a hugely popular British boy band called August Moon.
As time went on after I had finished the book, I began to identify why it had such a strong emotional impact on me. As women, we must make difficult choices in life, and we often get pummeled in one way or another about every decision, every single one. As mothers, we are judged, scorned, or feel guilty for the paths we choose, and the things we do and say at every juncture in our parenting journey. If we do choose to become mothers, when our kids are little, and even when they grow into adulthood, mothers are held up to an ideal or a standard that is unique and certainly does not apply to men, to fathers, in the same way. To have kids or not have kids? Work outside the home or take a break from a career we may have built, abandon it all together or try to go back to when the kids are older?. Do we feel satisfied being a full-time mother with no other type of work outside the home? Do we care what other people’s opinions are of us if we do continue to work? If we stay home, do those who do have outside jobs think we have nothing on our plates except driving out kids around, PTA meetings in between our Lululemon clad workouts and lunch with friends? At every turn we are judged by other women, society and perhaps worst of all, we judge ourselves. And whether we are home with our kids all day or not, the wellbeing of our children, their literal lives are in our hands. Often there is angst and worry around every new age or phase in our children’s lives, that whatever we are doing is fucking them up.
This story in The Idea of You is about an almost 40-year divorced mother, Soléne Marchand, who meets Hayes Campbell, a 20-year-old man who is in a popular British boy band. Soléne is the mother of a 13-year-old daughter, Isabelle. Soléne and Hayes fall in love and their story is told through their romantic and steamy meet ups all over the world. The way the story can be initially perceived is as this seemingly salacious romantic comedy/fantasy for women. I am not saying all women, if given this opportunity would go for the 20-year-old boy bander but it is entirely plausible that some would find this a fun and flattering distraction from the daily grind and pressures of being a mother.
Let’s reverse this. What if it is the 40-year-old man and a 20- year-old woman? Yes, we might find this untoward, creepy, and even though it is so common, it is not fraught with the issues that this book brings to light about women, our reproductive capacity, and our bonds and attachments to our kids.
In the book, Soléne unexpectedly meets such boy band member while attending a meet and greet with the band before their show. Soléne’s ex-husband had arranged this opportunity for their daughter but had a business trip come up the day before. As to not disappoint her daughter, Soléne agrees to take her.
This seemingly little incident is part of our story as women, as mothers. As mothers, we often do whatever we can to not let our children down, and typically the man’s business trip takes precedence over everything. These things in our culture are just a given. The far reaching and ever-present tenets of the patriarchy are so woven into our lives that we often barely even notice it. Because her husband Daniel was originally scheduled to take Isabelle to Vegas, Soléne had planned her own trip to Ojai to work on her art.
I realize I am generalizing as I know there are single dads raising kids on their own, and that there are exceptions to everything. There are some families where the male might be the main caretaker and that genders and roles are changing. I am writing from my experiences and observations as a woman in this culture, as a mother and all the choices and conflicts I have faced, and what I have witnessed with my friends. This book is about the many women and mothers who have been affected by these cultural norms
Reading Lee’s expertly written characters that I can picture beyond the scenes in this book, her detailed descriptions of each of their careers, and their intense connection, immerses you in their story in a purely captivating way like something you can’t take your eyes off of. Looming underneath every one of their romantic times together is the fact that the reader begins to understand that Soléne knows that their relationship cannot move forward past this stage, into a long-term commitment. In the end, it is the pain her daughter experiences, and her maturity in understanding what life will be like for Hayes as he moves further into his 20s and 30s, that forces her to end it. It falls to her to do it. It is emotionally wrenching and is what makes this a love story, not a romance novel. She knows that even though Hayes, while mature and capable of making her feel good in the relationship, will have needs she cannot meet, like having their own kids, and that ultimately through the different stages of their lives-the gaps will be too wide. Throughout the book, we see glimpses of his boyishness and moments that amplify their age difference, but Hayes is blind to them for the most part. Soléne has been married, divorced, is raising a teenager, and developed a very successful and fulfilling career. She brings all these aspects into considering a future with Hayes. Because he is so deeply in love with her and has less life experience, Soléne knows that he can’t see the future as she can. At one point she says that when he is 40, she will be 60. Hayes is not at the level of being able to think beyond their current love and romance which is mostly stolen weekends and exotic getaways together where they stay at 5-star hotels, immersed in luxury travel experiences.
But none of the privilege they are afforded, nor their respective sophistication takes away from the truth of their deep-down love which is expertly written as to be felt by the reader. This is contrasted with her ex-husband Daniel and his 30-year-old (10 years his junior) girlfriend whom he is marrying upon her unexpected pregnancy. Though they in fact may be compatible and in love, Daniel is not bound by the same often unspoken rules as women are. For one, Daniel and men in general can have kids unlit they are much older. Secondly, it is more accepted in our culture when men date younger women, to the point that it has been normalized. They can have all these kids, especially when they have money, yet men don’t have the same practical and emotional responsibility we have as mothers to our children. As Soléne embarks on her journey with Hayes and makes mistakes in dealing with her daughter, we witness the agony she then endures about her own failings. Do men grapple with how everything they do, every choice they make might affect their children? Again, not to generalize but from my experience, the answer to this is no. Even when a dad does question something they may have said or done to their child, it is not looked upon in the same way when it is the mother who did or said something that hurt their child. We judge mother’s much more harshly than dads because we are supposed to know all the right things to do. We are supposed to be the nurturers, the ones to fix the hurt and make things right while men and fathers, are not expected to do this in the same way. Soléne’s choice is scrutinized, judged, and eventually she is harassed by the fans of August Moon, Hayes’ band. The fans send her awful messages via social media and mail to her home. Daniel can move on more simply with life (yes, he is not dating anyone famous so that makes it different), finding a new, younger partner, starting another family and he does not hold the same concern for how this all might affect their daughter. In fact, he berates Solen for how she is “ruining their daughter’s life” yet how are his choices affecting Isabelle? To be fair, Daniel also is protective of Soléne to some degree, when he sees how she is being treated by the fans of August Moon. Although he is unhappy about her relationship with Hayes in terms of the optics and how it is affecting Isabelle, you can sense that he still cares for Soléne.
I am a mother to 2 boys and I can tell you with complete certainly that since I became a mom in 1997, there is nothing I care about more than being a mother, there is nothing that has brought me the purest joy, as well as gut wrenching moments of questioning my own choices and wondering if I did something that might completely be the worst thing for them or for our relationship. I have agonized over things I said in a moment of feeling unhinged. I have felt guilty about leaving them on short trips, or longer ones no matter what age they were. Am I going out too many nights this week? How much do I let go and let them have independence as they get older? Second guessing of everything we do is seemingly endless.
My 22-year-old son is still living at home with us due to his severe and complicated Crohn’s disease, so I am still often faced with questioning myself, my actions, and how to navigate our relationship. Albeit his chronic illness adds a more complex layer to these issues.
Recently my 24-year-old son was visiting. I always go to the grocery store to make sure we have things here that he likes. I try to make dinners I know he misses but sometimes I am tired, or something else is going on and I am not able to, but that little voice in the back of my mind will show up telling me I “should” just do whatever I can to provide everything for him. Of course, he does not expect these things and is happy with whatever we end up doing. I am fully aware that these are my issues, but I can guarantee that many mothers grapple with these feelings, even with these smaller, inconsequential situations. While he was here, I had a book that he thought looked interesting and I was like, “you can have it, I will just get another one.” (No it was not The Idea of You!). I am like, take everything, take it all, take anything you want!
I was not prepared to be so affected by this book, but I am so glad that I have been inspired to think deeply about these issues. I started expounding its greatness to my friends, to anyone who would listen. I just wanted someone to read it so I could discuss it, but I was also a little trepidatious because maybe others would not see it the same way, and think I was just wanting them to read a romance/sex book. I have now had several friends read it and though I have not discussed it with all of them, many of them texted me after they finished it and thanked me for sharing it and understood my obsession. Well maybe they are not quite as obsessed with it as I am, but that is okay. I almost feel like I must have a disclaimer when I recommend it, because as Lee brings forth in the book, in our culture, we put down things that women might gravitate too such as romance novels, romcoms and even certain kinds of visual arts as being silly, not intellectual, less important or creative as more accepted forms of art. Yet men can play video games and go to superhero movies in adulthood, and we don’t quantify this as being lower forms of art or entertainment.
When I first found The Idea of You, I believe it was recommended to me on Amazon, I thought is sounded like a fun, engaging read. I did not know anything about the author, and I did not read any reviews. After I finished it and could not get it out of my mind, I went on the internet and found out I am not alone! There is a Facebook group devoted to this book and many, many women who feel the same as I do. It was called the “sleeper hit of the pandemic” and it has been growing in popularity mostly because those of us who read it, then tell all of our friends about it. This validated everything I thought and felt.
Although there are some spoilers in this post, please go read it! There is so much more to it then I have written here. I love supporting writers and this book will keep you company, make you think, and provide a little spice in your life. Everything about Soléne Marchand’s and Hayes Campbell’s characters are so well researched and developed by Robbine Lee that they will stay with you for a very long time.
